broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
