does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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