drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
