I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got inside last night via doggy door
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
