You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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