I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
