The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's never too late to be topless.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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