apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
