One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
