If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
