my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
