He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
you never un-have a 4some
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
