i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
tell me about the eggs
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