Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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