I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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