Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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