The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
