She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize