the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Pants are for mortals
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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