good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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