It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
