So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
