He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
