I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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