i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
