nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
