My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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