I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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