Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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