this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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