Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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