I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
