I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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