How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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