It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Holy sore nipples Batman
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
