Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
