Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
