1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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