made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
