Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
