On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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