the condom got lost in my hair
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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