he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
