life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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