I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
