Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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