At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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