is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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