Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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