Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
