There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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