I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
