new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
