I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dear god my vagina.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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