I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize