Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
