was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She's the barista slut.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
