Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
