i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
